I dedicate this letter to the three fairies who helped me find him:

Barbie, the male and the it girl.

I’m sure most of my friends have been aware of the Serendipity-like story of my life about the guy who found me along the street of Libis, rolled his window down at me, and drove me home safely. And this guy whose number I lost that night. My first love letter to this ‘David’ is on this blog: http://ardenkhan.livejournal.com/133341.html.

It happened on the night of April 16, 2011, a Saturday, until the first minutes of the next day. Since I lost his number the moment he gave it to me, I never stopped thinking about him. I never stopped trying to locate where he is, and who he is. Again, as I said on my love letter to him, all I want is to just thank him.

For four months, I called almost everyone in my network who could help me find him, or his number back. For four months, I went to the spot in Libis where we met twice- both on Saturday nights, exactly the time we met. I didn’t see him. For four months, everytime I’d see a silver CRV, I wanted to hail that and see if it’s him driving. After exactly four months, like roughly 16 Saturdays later, I found him.

The first few steps I took was to contact all the FMCG companies- Marketing Department in Makati, and pretend that I was calling for business- because he said, on the night we met, that he is a Brand Manager for an FMCG brand, and that he offices in Makati. I called Mead-Johnson, Monde Nissin, Del Monte, etc. No David was employed there.

Then I realized that his name may not really be David. So the next step I took was to borrow Ateneo yearbooks from my friends from different batches. He said he was 27, so he would probably be born in 1983, or 1984, and would have graduated in 2003, 2004, or 2005. I tried to borrow the yearbooks of an old friend from RX 93.1, my client from Selecta, and some others’, but I couldn’t set a schedule with them to bring theirs.

One morning, Barbie, one of the Group Heads in our office, a graduate of ADMU, brought hers. This Barbie is a very petite girl and she carried her very heavy 2-piece yearbook to work to help me find him. My goal was to atleast have 3 different yearbooks (from different batches), but hers was a stroke of luck. I was browsing through the leaves looking for a David, but I failed to see one who looked like him. Until I saw a guy, whose name is not David, but I couldn’t take my eyes off of that page, because in my heart, I knew, it was him. I will not reveal his real name.

I tried to search this guy on Facebook, and he didn’t / doesn’t have an account. David, in our conversation, said that he didn’t have any social networking page. So I googled this guy, and the story goes on.

(PLEASE, if you’re any of the friends who I’ve told his real name to, do not reveal it to anyone or write it down on the comment box. Not even his job, not anything. Please do it for me.)

Months later, I landed on to “The Male”, and I fished a few information about the possible David without really revealing my purpose of doing so. I made friends with this male, and in our conversations, I learned that two, three, four of the information I knew about David matched the information of this possible David. All I needed was to know his number, because the digits I remember were: David’s network provider, the number after that, the number 1, and three consecutive numbers alike (like 222, 444, 777). The Male wouldn’t give me the number, and I understood him. What’s important is that I’m happilly one step closer to him.

Later, I landed on to “The It Girl“. From out of nowhere, I did. I asked her if she’d know this possible David from this certain company, and she did. I begged for the number, and said that I was calling for business. I got the number, and it was was his number, it was him.

I called, he wouldn’t pick up. I texted, and he replied.

I told him, via a text message, that not a single day did I ever stop thinking about him. And that if I didn’t text after the night we met, it was because I lost his number. And as desired, I told him, “THANK YOU. Thank you for driving me home safely that night.”

He replied. And he asked me to move on, and he wished me the best.

That was all I needed. To send my message of “Thank Yous” and to hear from him.

That’s all I ever asked God for. And He granted me that.

***

Last night, I got back to Manila from Taal. I stayed in the place where I met him for the thrid time, and probably the last since April 16. I stayed there from 10:30 PM to 12MN. I texted him. I asked him to come and drive by, pick me up, and drive me home for the last time. Last night marked the 16th or 17th Saturday since we met.

He replied: “I can’t come. Please go home. I’d appreciate it if we both move on”.

Before leaving the place, I texted him, for the last time: “I’m leaving my heart in this spot. Find it if you will.” And then I left a yellow balloon, the one I brought home from Taal, in that spot.

I left it there in that spot along Libis- the yellow balloon… my heart.

This letter is not intending to invite you for a relationship with me, I just want to thank you for driving me home safely which I never got to do after I went out of the car.

This is the boy you met on the midnight of April 16, 2011, Saturday, or in a more technical way of putting it- the boy you picked up along the road because you thought I was lost, miserable. I wasn’t. I told you that I just wanted to go elsewhere, but I didn’t know where exactly. I was so high and happy from The Script concert (front and center, meet and greet) and I thought going home would just spoil my night. When my bestfriend, LT, dropped me off the road along Libis, I told myself that I’d kill time there to smoke, text away, surf the internet from my mobile phone while thinking of where to go. And then you came.

You’ve been the most gentleman of all the men I have ever met. While others would pick me up from the road, have sex with me and forget who I was, you insisted in driving me home safely. I fancy that.

What I admire about you so much is how humble you were that night. I asked you for coffee, my treat, you refused because you said you’re already happy with the breakfast you got from Jollibee. I told you that I wasn’t scared when I hopped in the car because I thought your CRV was fancy, and you said that it wasn’t, it’s just a typical ride. Unlike other people who would brag about what they have, you didn’t. And while other people who pretend they care would just pick me up, drop me off to a safe place where I can get a cab, you drove me all the way to Countryside.

When you brought me home that night, not home- home, just outside our subdivision, I learned a lot about you. That you came from a fallen relationship and that you’re not yet ready to fall in love because of that. And I respect that, I just wish I’d known you better so I’d know how to act around you the next time we meet. If we ever will.

People say that it’s too impossible for me to meet someone who can make me CHECK all the boxes in my checklist for a perfect guy, well, what can I say, they thought it wrong. You have these following qualities I look for in a person, a guy:

- doesn’t go to gay-populated clubs (heck you don’t even have Facebook or Twitter accounts)
- listens to Jam 88.3 and rock’nroll alternative music
- in the Marketing industry, from a good school
- Chinese, great skin, nice smile, speaks the English language very well
- would ask me sweetly to quit smoking
- funny

I found you. Or well, you found me. And I don’t think in a thousand days will I ever forget that moment. Why am I posting this? Why am I sounding so desperate and crazy? When you gave me your number and I saved it, I later on realized that I didn’t. Not until I got home. And you drove away.

I lost your number. Don’t think that I’m just one of those ungrateful guys, because I’m not. I am trying everything to get your number back, but I don’t think the universe is one with me at the moment in finding it.

On that note, if you ever trip on this post, thank you. Thank you for getting me home safely that night.

If you wanna reach me, I’m on Facebook. Just key in Arden Khan. Add me away. Well, make sure you create a Facebook account first for crying out loud.

We’re in the same industry, I know I’ll see you. And if I do, I’ll make sure to save your number.

Love,
Arden Khan

If in case you are wondering why I have not visited you for the longest time, I’ve gone with something else- not completely, though, but it’s what I’ve been religiously opening lately. Although I don’t think I feel it as much as I feel you.

I miss my Livejournal, too. More than ever.

I think I should go back. Haay. Decisions, decisions.

Last night was another first for me. I went to a gay club and I had fun. Why did I? Blame it on too much Queer As Folk- U.S.  which I only got to check out recently. Or it could be that I was wanting to prove that I still have a market. I still did. I have been feeling really old lately with all these young gay’ coming of age experiences, I feel worn down. At 23, I feel old, but my share of market’s still steady… and I still feel beautiful. That’s all I needed to prove myself. Oh, and the place was called “O-Bar”, a gay club in my hometown in the East.

I was full last night. I left with a not-so-empty stomach. I ate all the words I carved in stones as a teenager. I promised myself I’ll never be like those gays in gay clubs meeting people, hooking up with random strangers, kissing drags, exchanging drugs, pissing on everyone. OK, I didn’t do drugs with people last night, for the record. I didn’t even go home with whoever I met there. I was there to check people out and be checked out. I felt hot.

HATING ON MALATE AND THE LIKE

As a kid, I never wanted to be with a boy who’s a regular in Malate- the gay capital of the Philippines on Saturday nights Circa 2002. I started early in relationships. I was 14, I met some boys who I fell in love with, just like Justin Taylor in Queer As Folk. I met guys who were only after their pride of having been able to screw a 14-year-old kid. I hated them. I had boyfriends as a kid who were much older than I was- 17, 19, 21, 24. I didn’t do beyond that age for crying out loud. I had boyfriends who were Malate regulars and I couldn’t be with them then because my parents wouldnt let me out so young. And so they went on their own with their pussy gay posse… and picked up whoever, went home with that dude, and hurt me. This is why I cursed Malate. This is why I despise people who go there… they don’t have hearts, just dicks.

ON BEING SINGLE AND PICKY

Past the dark ages of 2002, 2003, and Sem 1 2004,  I became in a relationship with a long list of nice guys- or so I’d like to believe. I had a boyfriend in College who had everyone’s respect and I felt queen. I had a boyfriend who’s a rocker dude and he loved me more than anyone else. I had a boyfriend who was taking up Civil Law and he was so white. I had boyfriends who were kids, well, like 2 years younger, and I don’t think I’m ever coming backto that pool. I had good boyfriends, so good our relationships didn’t last. I don’t know why though, but maybe it’s because I’m too much a load to handle. I’m really a freak in relationships and I don’t think anyone’s gonna be interested in me, seriously. And so I’m single and hopeless… and I keep telling myself that I’m better off this way.

A NEW REASON TO BE SINGLE AND HUMAN… AND GAY

So O-Bar it is, my first time in a gay club, my first time in a room so full of drags, discreets, louds, and loves. It was a toy store to me where all I had to do was choose and check out if I have purchasing power. It sucked though that most people I tried hooking up with were taken, like in-a-relationship taken and their boyfriends were there. It just sucked that I spotted these guys eye-contact-ing with me and with a few others. There. A new reason to stay single. YOU CAN’T TRUST NO GAY GUYS TO BE FAITHFUL NO MORE. And another reason is O-Bar. If I had been dating someone, I wouldn’t have gone there. That’d be bull. But I wasn’t. And so I was there. I was there with my best friends- Maphy and JV- and their lovers who they are very much loyal to. I’m the fifth wheel forever, and they knew I wanted to have fun, and so they came there to join me. I saw familiar faces, I could have been labeled as “they boy who was all over the place”, but the hell I care, everybody was all over the room anyway.

SHARE OF MARKET

I had my fair share of market last night, it could be because I was a new face to the club, but wasn’t really to the community. I met a few, I chased a Euro boy named Emil who was with his boyfriend and so I failed miserably, and I met 2 Canadian citizens. We were exchanging smiles and so I approached the first one, Roger, 21 Y.O., and…

Arden: Hi.

Rodger: Hello.

Arden: I like white guys.

Rodger: Let me check, am I white? Oh, I am white.

The Other Canadian Dude: And why do you like white guys?

Arden: Because I watch porn a lot (?).

*Laughs*

And that was it. We had a little chit chat, we had a little talk about places here and there. And I went back to my friends. It was nice to have your friends with you to remind you of the limits. Had they not been there (my friends), I would have gone home with them and it’s not something I should do on a first night. All I wanted to prove was that I am cool in the eyes of them whites.

Not everyone there I got to please. There’s this really amazingly hot student who I didn’t think was ever interested in hooking up. He’s the typical gay guy who would go out to chat with friends, not hook up- my total opposite. He’s cute and I admired him, and that’s all that mattered- to have admired someone in a pool of blood diamonds. His name was Miguel, this student, and he smelled so good, and he smokes menthol, and he takes in hard drinks, and he has pink lips. He’s the one who got away, but it’s OK.

ON COMING BACK AND BEING IN LOVE

Do I desire this? Part of me says yes. The other part of me says yes, but not nearly soon. I agree with the latter. I think I should kind of refresh myself and so that I’d still catch eyes when I go back. Ha ha ha. I’m not actually this conceited and self-righteous, I was just overwhelmed. Although I secretly pray that in my peak, I become exactly like Brian Kinney from Queer As Folk. But I don’t know. I’m a Justin Taylor. I’m the psycho-emotional one. I’m the one with a heart. And so I get hurt a lot. And so I do these things.

Do I still desire to be in a relationship after, once and for all, proving that no good gay guys exist? Yes, but never with anyone who goes there or wouldn’t stop attending to these clubs. I’m damaged myself, I have gone there, but let’s just say that I’d stop once I madly become in love with someone.

I wanna end this blog post by saying, I got home safely at 4:30 AM, my friends drove me home, they got me hot coffee to keep sober, they wished me a good night. I woke uremembering my happy hormones. I woke up happy.

I don’t want to be this guy forever. I wanna settle down and be quiet… be far from the world. I still want a boyfriend so badly. A really nice guy. That’s all.

I’ll go back to enjoying my Sunday watching Queer As Folk.

***

Oh and my theme songs last night:

1. LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE BOY (on Queer As Folk) for myself.

2. BOYS BOYS BOYS by Lady Gaga for the gays gays gays

“We like boys in cars, buy us drinks in bars, with hairspray and denim, we love them. Boys Boys Boys!”

3. SO HAPPY I COULD DIE by Lady Gaga for my BECKS

“Be your bestfriend, yeah, I’ll love you forever. Up in the clouds, we’ll be higher than ever. Eh-eh, so happy I could die and it’s alright.”

Love.

I HATE WATCHING ACTORS PORTRAY THE CHARACTERS I WAS ONCE IN REAL LIFE and just be too perfect at it. I HATE WATCHING LOVE FROM THE SCREEN because it’s never real. THERE’S NO ROCK & ROLL SOUNDTRACK in real life. THERE ARE NO GOOD LIGHTS, make-up, outfit in real life. LOVE DOESN’T EXIST IN REAL LIFE. LOVE ISN’T TRUE. LOVE IS NON-EXISTENT. Especially with gays.

It sucks that I can’t stop watching the series. I remember my life in 2002. I was once a Justin Taylor. I’m sure you guys were once like Justin Taylor in your younger years. Did it not suck to just be too wrong at choosing who to fall in love with too instantly? We were young. I was young then. Though I’m old, well, I feel so old with loving, maybe because I started way too early, but I still act like how I was when I started in 2002. In 2002, I had found several Brian Kinneys. I wonder where they are now. It kinda sucks that given the fact that I’m much older now, I still feel like that Justin Kinney I was once.

I saw the face of god. His name was Brian Kinney.

-Justin Taylor

It’s funny that you can actually drool although these men right here are very much dressed.

OH MY GOSH, I DIE!

EMILE HIRSCH (Into The Wild, Milk) and

BAFTA WINNER JAMES MCAVOY (The Last King Of Scotland, Atonement)

 Two of the greatest actors of this generation.

Two of the should-have-an-Oscar-soon-really-soon actors.

These men should really get an Oscar. James McAvoy was brutally snubbed in 2006 for The Last King Of Scotland. As for Emile Hirsch, he should have been nominated for his role as Cleve Jones in Milk (2008) over Josh Brolin as Dan White in the film.

I’m still here. I’m still here. And I love you so much.

Love,

ardenkhan

This year, past the Oscar season in the first quarter, Inception has got to be the most creative, perfecty-executed film I have ever seen. Of course, with Sex And The City 2 in second place. *WINK* Seriously though, rising above the subtlety of the films in the previous months, Inception Director Christopher Nolan has yet made a new wonder shortly following his already-a-history, The Dark Knight, which came out exactly 2 years ago. With both the writing and the directing job included in Nolan’s list of TO-DOs for Inception, he could just shock everyone by possibly scoring an Oscar nomination for Achievement in Directing and/or Original Screenplay. With, of course, all the other awards in the technical category as sure shot.

Having the most in-demand thriller/ action/ sci-fi writer-director and a dream cast to match, this film is slowly growing to be this year’s most talked-about creation. From Cillian Murphy (who Nolan has worked with in Batman Begins) to Tom Hardy, to a bunch of heavies like lead man 3-Time Oscar nominee Leonardo Di Caprio (What’s Eating Gilber Grape?, The Aviator, Blood Diamond), Oscar winner Marion Cotillard (La Vie En Rose), Oscar nominee Ellen Page (Juno), Oscar nominee Ken Watanabe (The Last Samurai), plus Golden Globe nominee Joseph Gordon-Levitt ((500) Days Of Summer), and Two-Time Oscar winner Sir Michael Caine (Hannah And Her Sisters, The Cider House Rules), it’s what you spell C-A-S-T.

If there’s a greater reason why I loved this film more than its writing and execution, it’s the presence of the “golden boy” Joseph Gordon-Levitt. He who started out as a child actor and later on became independent films’ hero, this actor deserves far more than what could be in store for him. The world of appreciation turned to him when he starred supporting the late Oscar winner Heath Ledger in 10 Things I Hate About You and in his Golden Globe-nominated performance in (500) Days Of Summer, other than that, he was nothing but a little-known actor who starred in several indies like Havoc, Uncertainty, Latter Days, and Mysterious Skin. An opportunity as huge as Inception can mark the beggining of way bigger ones for this 29-year-old actor. On a personal note, he’s the most charming dorky-punk dude I have ever laid my eyes on on the big screen and on TV.

It’s just frustrating that he didn’t get the rumored part of Peter Parker in the new Spider Man, although, it is said (and I secretly pray so) that he’s possibly getting the role of Edward Nigma A.K.A. “The Riddler” in the new installment of Batman by Christopher Nolan. If the Oscar-nominated director was able to turn the late Ledger from a charming Oz-boy-next-door to a psycho villain as “The Joker” in The Dark Knight, and had Ledger give justice to the role which Jack Nicholson introduced to the big screen, then I am very certain that he can also do the same thing for Gordon-Levitt in the role which Jim Carrey made promising.

This is it. My Countdown to the Oscars has begun!

… THIS DAY WAS SUPPOSEDLY WORK-FREE DUE TO THE BLACK-OUT, YET I HAD A FULL ONE. So what’s supposedly work-free because seriously, there was no electricity in the office like nothing at all. By brunch time, I had to find a near Starbucks branch to, hoping, be able to charge my phone for it was totally about to be dead. And so I did. Starbucks Shangri-La had the most number of refugees and… the most number of the nicest crew. I was with my boss, Lalaine, during the earlier times, and I was able to find an active outlet somewhere in the crowded corner, so crowded that the only thing that’s possible of taking space is my mobile phone. Choosing between charging my phone, but I have to leave it in the supervision of a total stranger and watch it from afar (where, well, I can smoke), and not being able to charge it at all, I chose the first one. After my boss left for she had to attend to other important stuff, I was left overlooking my phone. By the time that it had enough power to actually be used, I had then managing non-stop concerns here and there, left and right, all for tomorrow’s effect. In the world of media, tomorrow’s perfection is today’s last full-force push of efforts. With my scratch papers and notebook, a stranger next to me, cigarettes, and a Grande Frapuccino, I was working in the hottest place called “that corner of Starbucks with active electricity outlet”.

… I WENT TO CHILI’S TOMAS MORATO FOR A MEETING AT AROUND 4:30 PM. More of an offline-meeting and what had been a nice bonding with the Brand Team, I went to Quezon City from Shangri-La and discussed everything about death, perhaps. It was an extra-fun moment with the people who you exchange work with on a daily basis thru phone conversation and Email. In that bonding also was one of our dearest suppliers who had to meet us for a very important concern. At half-past a huge chicken breast burger and a minute-past bottomless soda, this dearly supplier drove me home from the North to the East. Now I’m home, blogging, agitated with the pending works, safely and well, restless.

… HOW WORKAHOLIC AND ADDICTED-TO-WORK I HAVE BECOME!

Two more stressful days until weekend. That’s my perspective.

Oh and by the way, this total stranger, he’s a super nice DLSU Communications student and his name is Tristan.

• pag-asa
• kumpyansa sa sarili
• tiwala sa mga boss ko
• sobrang pera pang O.T. FOOD (dahil lagi akong O.T.)
• MP3 ng “Bad Day” ni Daniel Powter at ng Fuel
• MP3 ng “Fuck You” ni Lily Allen (na happy song ko)
• album ng Shout Out Louds at Lifehouse
• sigarilyo sa bag
• at lighter!

• pati Vitamin C!

Shet!

Stressed kung stressed. Lunes pa lang!