CHEATING

•29/12/2010 • Leave a Comment

Dear WordPress,

If in case you are wondering why I have not visited you for the longest time, I’ve gone with something else– not completely, though, but it’s what I’ve been religiously opening lately. Although I don’t think I feel it as much as I feel you.

I miss my Livejournal, too. More than ever.

I think I should go back. Haay. Decisions, decisions.

Advertisements

LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE BOY

•03/10/2010 • Leave a Comment

“Just you wait and see when you turn 23.” – Vicious World by Rufus Wainwright.

Last night was another first for me. I went to a gay club and I had fun. Why did I? Blame it on too much Queer As Folk- U.S.  which I only got to check out recently. Or it could be that I was wanting to prove that I still have a market. I still did. I have been feeling really old lately with all these young gay’ coming of age experiences, I feel worn down. At 23, I feel old, but my share of market’s still steady… and I still feel beautiful. That’s all I needed to prove myself. Oh, and the place was called “O-Bar”, a gay club in my hometown in the East.

I was full last night. I left with a not-so-empty stomach. I ate all the words I carved in stones as a teenager. I promised myself I’ll never be like those gays in gay clubs meeting people, hooking up with random strangers, kissing drags, exchanging drugs, pissing on everyone. OK, I didn’t do drugs with people last night, for the record. I didn’t even go home with whoever I met there. I was there to check people out and be checked out. I felt hot.

HATING ON MALATE AND THE LIKE

As a kid, I never wanted to be with a boy who’s a regular in Malate- the gay capital of the Philippines on Saturday nights Circa 2002. I started early in relationships. I was 14, I met some boys who I fell in love with, just like Justin Taylor in Queer As Folk. I met guys who were only after their pride of having been able to screw a 14-year-old kid. I hated them. I had boyfriends as a kid who were much older than I was- 17, 19, 21, 24. I didn’t do beyond that age for crying out loud. I had boyfriends who were Malate regulars and I couldn’t be with them then because my parents wouldnt let me out so young. And so they went on their own with their pussy gay posse… and picked up whoever, went home with that dude, and hurt me. This is why I cursed Malate. This is why I despise people who go there… they don’t have hearts, just dicks.

ON BEING SINGLE AND PICKY

Past the dark ages of 2002, 2003, and Sem 1 2004,  I became in a relationship with a long list of nice guys- or so I’d like to believe. I had a boyfriend in College who had everyone’s respect and I felt queen. I had a boyfriend who’s a rocker dude and he loved me more than anyone else. I had a boyfriend who was taking up Civil Law and he was so white. I had boyfriends who were kids, well, like 2 years younger, and I don’t think I’m ever coming backto that pool. I had good boyfriends, so good our relationships didn’t last. I don’t know why though, but maybe it’s because I’m too much a load to handle. I’m really a freak in relationships and I don’t think anyone’s gonna be interested in me, seriously. And so I’m single and hopeless… and I keep telling myself that I’m better off this way.


A NEW REASON TO BE SINGLE AND HUMAN… AND GAY

So O-Bar it is, my first time in a gay club, my first time in a room so full of drags, discreets, louds, and loves. It was a toy store to me where all I had to do was choose and check out if I have purchasing power. It sucked though that most people I tried hooking up with were taken, like in-a-relationship taken and their boyfriends were there. It just sucked that I spotted these guys eye-contact-ing with me and with a few others. There. A new reason to stay single. YOU CAN’T TRUST NO GAY GUYS TO BE FAITHFUL NO MORE. And another reason is O-Bar. If I had been dating someone, I wouldn’t have gone there. That’d be bull. But I wasn’t. And so I was there. I was there with my best friends- Maphy and JV- and their lovers who they are very much loyal to. I’m the fifth wheel forever, and they knew I wanted to have fun, and so they came there to join me. I saw familiar faces, I could have been labeled as “they boy who was all over the place”, but the hell I care, everybody was all over the room anyway.

SHARE OF MARKET

I had my fair share of market last night, it could be because I was a new face to the club, but wasn’t really to the community. I met a few, I chased a Euro boy named Emil who was with his boyfriend and so I failed miserably, and I met 2 Canadian citizens. We were exchanging smiles and so I approached the first one, Roger, 21 Y.O., and…

Arden: Hi.

Rodger: Hello.

Arden: I like white guys.

Rodger: Let me check, am I white? Oh, I am white.

The Other Canadian Dude: And why do you like white guys?

Arden: Because I watch porn a lot (?).

*Laughs*

And that was it. We had a little chit chat, we had a little talk about places here and there. And I went back to my friends. It was nice to have your friends with you to remind you of the limits. Had they not been there (my friends), I would have gone home with them and it’s not something I should do on a first night. All I wanted to prove was that I am cool in the eyes of them whites.

Not everyone there I got to please. There’s this really amazingly hot student who I didn’t think was ever interested in hooking up. He’s the typical gay guy who would go out to chat with friends, not hook up- my total opposite. He’s cute and I admired him, and that’s all that mattered- to have admired someone in a pool of blood diamonds. His name was Miguel, this student, and he smelled so good, and he smokes menthol, and he takes in hard drinks, and he has pink lips. He’s the one who got away, but it’s OK.


ON COMING BACK AND BEING IN LOVE

Do I desire this? Part of me says yes. The other part of me says yes, but not nearly soon. I agree with the latter. I think I should kind of refresh myself and so that I’d still catch eyes when I go back. Ha ha ha. I’m not actually this conceited and self-righteous, I was just overwhelmed. Although I secretly pray that in my peak, I become exactly like Brian Kinney from Queer As Folk. But I don’t know. I’m a Justin Taylor. I’m the psycho-emotional one. I’m the one with a heart. And so I get hurt a lot. And so I do these things.

Do I still desire to be in a relationship after, once and for all, proving that no good gay guys exist? Yes, but never with anyone who goes there or wouldn’t stop attending to these clubs. I’m damaged myself, I have gone there, but let’s just say that I’d stop once I madly become in love with someone.

I wanna end this blog post by saying, I got home safely at 4:30 AM, my friends drove me home, they got me hot coffee to keep sober, they wished me a good night. I woke uremembering my happy hormones. I woke up happy.

I don’t want to be this guy forever. I wanna settle down and be quiet… be far from the world. I still want a boyfriend so badly. A really nice guy. That’s all.

I’ll go back to enjoying my Sunday watching Queer As Folk.

***

Oh and my theme songs last night:

1. LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE BOY (on Queer As Folk) for myself.

2. BOYS BOYS BOYS by Lady Gaga for the gays gays gays

“We like boys in cars, buy us drinks in bars, with hairspray and denim, we love them. Boys Boys Boys!”

3. SO HAPPY I COULD DIE by Lady Gaga for my BECKS

“Be your bestfriend, yeah, I’ll love you forever. Up in the clouds, we’ll be higher than ever. Eh-eh, so happy I could die and it’s alright.”

Love.

LIVE LIKE BRIAN, LOVE LIKE JUSTIN.

•29/09/2010 • Leave a Comment

It’s only this week that I got to start watching Queer As Folk. I never liked watching moving pictures involving gay people falling in love with each other. It’s too overrated for a boy who’s experienced more than enough already. Infatuation, love, sex, the falling apart, and death. It would then just be too much to handle something you already experience in real life and see actors portray all of your characters on screen… with just too much glamor, fantasy, and musical score. Argh.

I HATE WATCHING ACTORS PORTRAY THE CHARACTERS I WAS ONCE IN REAL LIFE and just be too perfect at it. I HATE WATCHING LOVE FROM THE SCREEN because it’s never real. THERE’S NO ROCK & ROLL SOUNDTRACK in real life. THERE ARE NO GOOD LIGHTS, make-up, outfit in real life. LOVE DOESN’T EXIST IN REAL LIFE. LOVE ISN’T TRUE. LOVE IS NON-EXISTENT. Especially with gays.

It sucks that I can’t stop watching the series. I remember my life in 2002. I was once a Justin Taylor. I’m sure you guys were once like Justin Taylor in your younger years. Did it not suck to just be too wrong at choosing who to fall in love with too instantly? We were young. I was young then. Though I’m old, well, I feel so old with loving, maybe because I started way too early, but I still act like how I was when I started in 2002. In 2002, I had found several Brian Kinneys. I wonder where they are now. It kinda sucks that given the fact that I’m much older now, I still feel like that Justin Kinney I was once.

I saw the face of god. His name was Brian Kinney.

-Justin Taylor

HITCH, COCK!

•12/09/2010 • Leave a Comment

I know I have not come by for a while, but my return to wordpress is guided by a very important purpose, erm, photo. This one’s on one of the pages of Vanity Fair as a tribute to Hitchcock. DROOL!

It’s funny that you can actually drool although these men right here are very much dressed.

OH MY GOSH, I DIE!

EMILE HIRSCH (Into The Wild, Milk) and

BAFTA WINNER JAMES MCAVOY (The Last King Of Scotland, Atonement)

 Two of the greatest actors of this generation.

Two of the should-have-an-Oscar-soon-really-soon actors.

These men should really get an Oscar. James McAvoy was brutally snubbed in 2006 for The Last King Of Scotland. As for Emile Hirsch, he should have been nominated for his role as Cleve Jones in Milk (2008) over Josh Brolin as Dan White in the film.

DEAR LIFE,

•12/09/2010 • Leave a Comment

Dear WordPress,

I’m still here. I’m still here. And I love you so much.

Love,

ardenkhan

NOLAN, GORDON-LEVITT, OSCARS!

•23/07/2010 • Leave a Comment

I had to wait for like about 4 days from the opening to watch Inception. Monday night, I was able to steal time from my extra-demanding work and watched the Chris Nolan masterpiece. That Monday night, I knew, my countdown to the Oscars has started.

This year, past the Oscar season in the first quarter, Inception has got to be the most creative, perfecty-executed film I have ever seen. Of course, with Sex And The City 2 in second place. *WINK* Seriously though, rising above the subtlety of the films in the previous months, Inception Director Christopher Nolan has yet made a new wonder shortly following his already-a-history, The Dark Knight, which came out exactly 2 years ago. With both the writing and the directing job included in Nolan’s list of TO-DOs for Inception, he could just shock everyone by possibly scoring an Oscar nomination for Achievement in Directing and/or Original Screenplay. With, of course, all the other awards in the technical category as sure shot.

Having the most in-demand thriller/ action/ sci-fi writer-director and a dream cast to match, this film is slowly growing to be this year’s most talked-about creation. From Cillian Murphy (who Nolan has worked with in Batman Begins) to Tom Hardy, to a bunch of heavies like lead man 3-Time Oscar nominee Leonardo Di Caprio (What’s Eating Gilber Grape?, The Aviator, Blood Diamond), Oscar winner Marion Cotillard (La Vie En Rose), Oscar nominee Ellen Page (Juno), Oscar nominee Ken Watanabe (The Last Samurai), plus Golden Globe nominee Joseph Gordon-Levitt ((500) Days Of Summer), and Two-Time Oscar winner Sir Michael Caine (Hannah And Her Sisters, The Cider House Rules), it’s what you spell C-A-S-T.

If there’s a greater reason why I loved this film more than its writing and execution, it’s the presence of the “golden boy” Joseph Gordon-Levitt. He who started out as a child actor and later on became independent films’ hero, this actor deserves far more than what could be in store for him. The world of appreciation turned to him when he starred supporting the late Oscar winner Heath Ledger in 10 Things I Hate About You and in his Golden Globe-nominated performance in (500) Days Of Summer, other than that, he was nothing but a little-known actor who starred in several indies like Havoc, Uncertainty, Latter Days, and Mysterious Skin. An opportunity as huge as Inception can mark the beggining of way bigger ones for this 29-year-old actor. On a personal note, he’s the most charming dorky-punk dude I have ever laid my eyes on on the big screen and on TV.

It’s just frustrating that he didn’t get the rumored part of Peter Parker in the new Spider Man, although, it is said (and I secretly pray so) that he’s possibly getting the role of Edward Nigma A.K.A. “The Riddler” in the new installment of Batman by Christopher Nolan. If the Oscar-nominated director was able to turn the late Ledger from a charming Oz-boy-next-door to a psycho villain as “The Joker” in The Dark Knight, and had Ledger give justice to the role which Jack Nicholson introduced to the big screen, then I am very certain that he can also do the same thing for Gordon-Levitt in the role which Jim Carrey made promising.

This is it. My Countdown to the Oscars has begun!

 

 

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW…

•14/07/2010 • Leave a Comment

… THE EXTRA-TERRIFYING WIND LAST NIGHT PUT ME TO AN UNCOMFORTABLE SLEEP. I, with my family, live in Ortigas Ext, nest to Floodway which caused the high floods in Pasig City in September 2009. Last night, as the presence of Basyang was intensely felt, at 12:30 AM, I couldn’t rest my senses. I kept waking up for I was so scared that I might wake up to water everywhere. Please help us pray for safety in the Philippines during this mad season. Gladly, I woke up to smiling sunshine. Well, sunshine, the humidity, and total Metro Manila black-out. Oh OK.

… THIS DAY WAS SUPPOSEDLY WORK-FREE DUE TO THE BLACK-OUT, YET I HAD A FULL ONE. So what’s supposedly work-free because seriously, there was no electricity in the office like nothing at all. By brunch time, I had to find a near Starbucks branch to, hoping, be able to charge my phone for it was totally about to be dead. And so I did. Starbucks Shangri-La had the most number of refugees and… the most number of the nicest crew. I was with my boss, Lalaine, during the earlier times, and I was able to find an active outlet somewhere in the crowded corner, so crowded that the only thing that’s possible of taking space is my mobile phone. Choosing between charging my phone, but I have to leave it in the supervision of a total stranger and watch it from afar (where, well, I can smoke), and not being able to charge it at all, I chose the first one. After my boss left for she had to attend to other important stuff, I was left overlooking my phone. By the time that it had enough power to actually be used, I had then managing non-stop concerns here and there, left and right, all for tomorrow’s effect. In the world of media, tomorrow’s perfection is today’s last full-force push of efforts. With my scratch papers and notebook, a stranger next to me, cigarettes, and a Grande Frapuccino, I was working in the hottest place called “that corner of Starbucks with active electricity outlet”.

… I WENT TO CHILI’S TOMAS MORATO FOR A MEETING AT AROUND 4:30 PM. More of an offline-meeting and what had been a nice bonding with the Brand Team, I went to Quezon City from Shangri-La and discussed everything about death, perhaps. It was an extra-fun moment with the people who you exchange work with on a daily basis thru phone conversation and Email. In that bonding also was one of our dearest suppliers who had to meet us for a very important concern. At half-past a huge chicken breast burger and a minute-past bottomless soda, this dearly supplier drove me home from the North to the East. Now I’m home, blogging, agitated with the pending works, safely and well, restless.

… HOW WORKAHOLIC AND ADDICTED-TO-WORK I HAVE BECOME!

Two more stressful days until weekend. That’s my perspective.

Oh and by the way, this total stranger, he’s a super nice DLSU Communications student and his name is Tristan. 🙂