“Just you wait and see when you turn 23.” – Vicious World by Rufus Wainwright.

Last night was another first for me. I went to a gay club and I had fun. Why did I? Blame it on too much Queer As Folk- U.S.  which I only got to check out recently. Or it could be that I was wanting to prove that I still have a market. I still did. I have been feeling really old lately with all these young gay’ coming of age experiences, I feel worn down. At 23, I feel old, but my share of market’s still steady… and I still feel beautiful. That’s all I needed to prove myself. Oh, and the place was called “O-Bar”, a gay club in my hometown in the East.

I was full last night. I left with a not-so-empty stomach. I ate all the words I carved in stones as a teenager. I promised myself I’ll never be like those gays in gay clubs meeting people, hooking up with random strangers, kissing drags, exchanging drugs, pissing on everyone. OK, I didn’t do drugs with people last night, for the record. I didn’t even go home with whoever I met there. I was there to check people out and be checked out. I felt hot.


As a kid, I never wanted to be with a boy who’s a regular in Malate- the gay capital of the Philippines on Saturday nights Circa 2002. I started early in relationships. I was 14, I met some boys who I fell in love with, just like Justin Taylor in Queer As Folk. I met guys who were only after their pride of having been able to screw a 14-year-old kid. I hated them. I had boyfriends as a kid who were much older than I was- 17, 19, 21, 24. I didn’t do beyond that age for crying out loud. I had boyfriends who were Malate regulars and I couldn’t be with them then because my parents wouldnt let me out so young. And so they went on their own with their pussy gay posse… and picked up whoever, went home with that dude, and hurt me. This is why I cursed Malate. This is why I despise people who go there… they don’t have hearts, just dicks.


Past the dark ages of 2002, 2003, and Sem 1 2004,  I became in a relationship with a long list of nice guys- or so I’d like to believe. I had a boyfriend in College who had everyone’s respect and I felt queen. I had a boyfriend who’s a rocker dude and he loved me more than anyone else. I had a boyfriend who was taking up Civil Law and he was so white. I had boyfriends who were kids, well, like 2 years younger, and I don’t think I’m ever coming backto that pool. I had good boyfriends, so good our relationships didn’t last. I don’t know why though, but maybe it’s because I’m too much a load to handle. I’m really a freak in relationships and I don’t think anyone’s gonna be interested in me, seriously. And so I’m single and hopeless… and I keep telling myself that I’m better off this way.


So O-Bar it is, my first time in a gay club, my first time in a room so full of drags, discreets, louds, and loves. It was a toy store to me where all I had to do was choose and check out if I have purchasing power. It sucked though that most people I tried hooking up with were taken, like in-a-relationship taken and their boyfriends were there. It just sucked that I spotted these guys eye-contact-ing with me and with a few others. There. A new reason to stay single. YOU CAN’T TRUST NO GAY GUYS TO BE FAITHFUL NO MORE. And another reason is O-Bar. If I had been dating someone, I wouldn’t have gone there. That’d be bull. But I wasn’t. And so I was there. I was there with my best friends- Maphy and JV- and their lovers who they are very much loyal to. I’m the fifth wheel forever, and they knew I wanted to have fun, and so they came there to join me. I saw familiar faces, I could have been labeled as “they boy who was all over the place”, but the hell I care, everybody was all over the room anyway.


I had my fair share of market last night, it could be because I was a new face to the club, but wasn’t really to the community. I met a few, I chased a Euro boy named Emil who was with his boyfriend and so I failed miserably, and I met 2 Canadian citizens. We were exchanging smiles and so I approached the first one, Roger, 21 Y.O., and…

Arden: Hi.

Rodger: Hello.

Arden: I like white guys.

Rodger: Let me check, am I white? Oh, I am white.

The Other Canadian Dude: And why do you like white guys?

Arden: Because I watch porn a lot (?).


And that was it. We had a little chit chat, we had a little talk about places here and there. And I went back to my friends. It was nice to have your friends with you to remind you of the limits. Had they not been there (my friends), I would have gone home with them and it’s not something I should do on a first night. All I wanted to prove was that I am cool in the eyes of them whites.

Not everyone there I got to please. There’s this really amazingly hot student who I didn’t think was ever interested in hooking up. He’s the typical gay guy who would go out to chat with friends, not hook up- my total opposite. He’s cute and I admired him, and that’s all that mattered- to have admired someone in a pool of blood diamonds. His name was Miguel, this student, and he smelled so good, and he smokes menthol, and he takes in hard drinks, and he has pink lips. He’s the one who got away, but it’s OK.


Do I desire this? Part of me says yes. The other part of me says yes, but not nearly soon. I agree with the latter. I think I should kind of refresh myself and so that I’d still catch eyes when I go back. Ha ha ha. I’m not actually this conceited and self-righteous, I was just overwhelmed. Although I secretly pray that in my peak, I become exactly like Brian Kinney from Queer As Folk. But I don’t know. I’m a Justin Taylor. I’m the psycho-emotional one. I’m the one with a heart. And so I get hurt a lot. And so I do these things.

Do I still desire to be in a relationship after, once and for all, proving that no good gay guys exist? Yes, but never with anyone who goes there or wouldn’t stop attending to these clubs. I’m damaged myself, I have gone there, but let’s just say that I’d stop once I madly become in love with someone.

I wanna end this blog post by saying, I got home safely at 4:30 AM, my friends drove me home, they got me hot coffee to keep sober, they wished me a good night. I woke uremembering my happy hormones. I woke up happy.

I don’t want to be this guy forever. I wanna settle down and be quiet… be far from the world. I still want a boyfriend so badly. A really nice guy. That’s all.

I’ll go back to enjoying my Sunday watching Queer As Folk.


Oh and my theme songs last night:

1. LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE BOY (on Queer As Folk) for myself.

2. BOYS BOYS BOYS by Lady Gaga for the gays gays gays

“We like boys in cars, buy us drinks in bars, with hairspray and denim, we love them. Boys Boys Boys!”

3. SO HAPPY I COULD DIE by Lady Gaga for my BECKS

“Be your bestfriend, yeah, I’ll love you forever. Up in the clouds, we’ll be higher than ever. Eh-eh, so happy I could die and it’s alright.”



~ by ardenkhan on 03/10/2010.

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